Continued from "First Memories", part of the "Breaking the Silence" series
Telling Stories, Part 1
Alexandra Windsong
© 2017 Alexandra Windsong, All Rights Reserved
Telling stories. We all do it. We read meaning into every word or action of the people around us. A group of people laugh as we walk by, and more often than not, our first thought is that they were laughing at us. Someone doesn't return our call, or respond to an email, text, or private message on Facebook, and we start to wonder whether or not they are mad at us, did we do something to upset them, or do they just not like us anymore?
The problem is that we create these stories based on our own perceptions, experiences, insecurities and biases. And usually, that meaning, that story we create in our own minds, has something to do with us, and not in a good way. The truth is, most of the time the things other people say and do, or don't do, have absolutely nothing to do with us, and we cause ourselves a lot of stress and frustration, and waste a lot of time and energy worrying about why other people do what they do, not to mention the misunderstandings and hurt feelings that can happen when we make assumptions about their actions.
Case in point. When my brother and I were in our mid to late twenties, he would sometimes make plans for our mother and our half-sister (from this point forward simply referred to as our sister) to visit him. And sometimes he wouldn't answer the door when they showed up. The story they told themselves about this was that he was too busy doing drugs or too high to answer the door. In all fairness to our sister who was only about twelve or thirteen at the time, she may have only been repeating the story our mother told her as to why he didn't answer the door.
When they told me, I felt bad for our little sister, but I was skeptical. I figured there was probably more to the story, but as I had no direct knowledge one way or the other about what was actually happening, I took the middle ground, neither agreeing nor disagreeing with them. And, as I suspected, I later confirmed that there was more to it than that, a lot more.
Many years later, I began to notice a similar pattern of behavior in my brother's interactions with me. It was not uncommon for him to make plans to see me and then call or email me the morning of to cancel because he "just wasn't up to it" or was "having a bad day". I began to suspect that the truth about his behavior years ago with our sister lay more in the realm of my brother's mental health issues, most specifically anxiety and depression, than in the simple story of "too busy doing drugs or too high to answer the door".
Both my brother and I had suffered from anxiety since childhood. Given our chaotic home environment and the abuse and neglect we experienced as children, I suppose it was inevitable. Unfortunately, his anxiety had grown to the point that it had become debilitating and unmanageable for him. I also knew that we shared a common coping mechanism when feeling overwhelmed -- shutting down, and that this is what would often be the cause of canceled plans with me at the last minute. I even came to expect it. For example, I knew that when he said he would come to my wedding, he meant it at the time and wanted to be there for me. But I also knew that when the day actually came, there was a 99% probability that he would wake up and just not be able to face dealing with people or have one of his debilitating headaches. And sure enough, that's what happened. He didn't show. I was disappointed, but I understood. It wasn't about me; it was about him. He just couldn't face dealing with anyone.
And this is what would happen when our little sister was supposed to visit him years earlier. He would make plans to see her, but when the day came, he just couldn't. Not because he didn't care about her, or that doing drugs was more important than seeing her, but because he just couldn't cope with seeing anyone. That's just how it is sometimes with anxiety and depression -- even seeing people you love is too overwhelming. You can't deal with anything, any amount of stimulation or interaction is too much and you shut down and retreat from the world.
And how did I confirm my suspicions were correct? I talked to him about it. That's how I learned about the anxiety, the depression, the coping mechanism, and what had really been going on when he would not answer the door for our little sister all those years ago.
So, what do you do when you find yourself telling stories, creating stories in your own mind about what someone else said or did? Just stop. Remember, not everything is about you. Odds are whatever you are observing isn't directed at you at all. Maybe they are having a bad day, maybe they are distracted with their own problems. Maybe they are talking about something else, and not you when you walk by and hear them laughing. And yes, maybe sometimes it is about you. But don't assume. If you want to know the truth. Ask them about it. But remember to be non-confrontational. Approach the conversation from a perspective of wanting to understand the other person, not accusations and blame, and assuming you already know the reason behind their behavior. As adults, that's how my brother and I talked with each other about a lot of difficult things - a place of concern, love and wanting to understand each other better, not blame and accusation, and I'm glad we did.
To be continued . . .
Back to Article Index
Alexandra Windsong is a healer, intuitive, life coach, singer, songwriter and artist. Alexandra lost her brother to suicide in 2016 and has begun to chronicle their difficult childhood and her experiences of her loss in the series "Breaking the Silence." For more about Alexandra, click here.